Enjoying the Beauty of Now
As I began to heal from the wounds of that fateful night and the trauma surrounding it, I had to find a way to keep going. Gia, the support I received from the community, my family and friends definitely helped but that feeling of hopelessness continued surrounding me for a long time. As a result, in order to escape the past and gain motivation to keep going, I began to live in the future. I hoped that I would be given a chance to do it all over again: that one day I would have my family again, a loving husband who would be a wonderful father to Gia, and perhaps another baby boy. Sometimes, when I closed my eyes, I could see a pair of loving and tender eyes looking into mine while the kids played together. In those moments, I felt a sense of peace and harmony I had never felt before. I held onto that image in my heart as I hoped it would become a reality. Each day I kept myself alive, I trusted that God would bring someone my way: someone to heal my wounds and make it all come together once more. Nevertheless months passed and nothing changed. After hoping and dreaming for what seemed like forever, bitterness and impatience began to enter my world. I realized that things went too far: it occurred to me that I had been escaping to the future so much that I had begun hoping that today would be tomorrow or, better yet, a year from now. What was supposed to be my coping mechanisms and a means of surviving for so long, turned into torment as my frustration grew with each passing day without hope for change on the horizon.
I thought that, in some way, I had no choice but to focus on the future since neither the past nor the present offered me any comfort. However, eventually I realized that I had stopped living in the now altogether. Today I know that living in the future was something I was guilty of a lot more than I would like to admit.
Before my late husband and I had our kids, Sebastian and Gia, we traveled the world and we definitely knew how to enjoy life. Once the children were born, however, we assumed that we needed to postpone having fun and time to ourselves so we completely switched focus to our kids. We did want to spend all the time we could with them, nevertheless, as much as we loved our children, once in a while we both wished they would finally be old enough to allow us to travel again and do all the things we enjoyed doing before kids. In the meantime, we continued telling ourselves that we had our whole lives ahead of us still and, if we waited a few more years, we could enjoy those things again. We did not realize that there was no future ahead for us, nor that we would have any more opportunities to travel again or to enjoy our together time in the future.
It felt like we were so busy with life and constant planning of our kids’ futures that we lost the ability to truly enjoy those little, simple, but oh so precious moments we had: the sweet giggles of our babies; seeing them play together; or just spending family time together. We often just took things for granted.
The truth is, we don’t know what our future has in store for us. The past is gone and the future is ahead. It is the now that is a precious gift that we have the power to enjoy. No matter how difficult the present may be, with all its challenges and the setbacks, we still have the power to enjoy the little things we take for granted: the smile on our baby’s face, the warmth of the sun rays kissing our cheeks, or even a cup of our morning tea.
I know now that one day I will have a family again. One day I will hear the word “daddy” from Gia’s mouth and I will smile with love and gratitude. I know that one day I will gaze into his eyes and see only love. However, until then, I want to make every effort to notice and enjoy the blessings that God has surrounded me with and never again wait another minute to do something that my heart calls for.