Sometimes running away is the best you can do…

Once in a while I just cannot help but to wonder what would have happened if I was able to run away or make it to the shelter. Maybe Sebastian would still be alive, maybe both of them would be…

When I realized that my late husband’s behavior was only getting worst, I knew I had to do something, though I really did not know what. I was afraid that even if I could find a way to get away from the house, no matter where I would go, he would eventually find me. I also knew that once he found me, I and anyone else who would have tried to help me, would deeply regret my leaving.

Making a decision to leave was not easy either. I always viewed marriage as something that shouldn’t be given up on easily. For me, marriage was a “for better or for worse” commitment that was made for life. It was very difficult for me to digest the idea that I had to give up on someone whom I promised to support during those “worst’ times. On the other hand, just few months earlier I thought that I had it all: beautiful kids; amazing family; caring husband; and our dream home. We both had great jobs and a, what was promising to be, a wonderful life ahead. The truth, of course, was so far from that…

While I was still trying to figure out and process what was happening to my life, I also knew I must do something in order to protect my babies and myself. I knew that once I leave and take the kids with me, he would do anything he could to try and ‘punish’ me and make my life a living hell. I needed to do things right, be as prepared as possible and be careful not to do anything that he could later hold against me. I began calling info lines and shelters to gather as much information as possible on what I would need to do before running away.

In the meantime, I realized that in the worst case scenario, if things got really bad before I could get away, I could get a restraining order on the spot when the police came. I did not know then that I would never have a chance to leave for the shelter or to even get that restraining order. I did end up calling the police when things got really bad but the outcome of that call was a lot different then what I would have ever imagined…

I always preferred to prepare myself before making any moves so I would not regret making a decision like that in the first place. I always wanted to do things right—but maybe I waited too long to run? Maybe a couple of weeks earlier would have given us a better chance of actually running away?…

My message here to those who fear for their safety, to those who have been abused is to not overthink it too much. Run, if you can do so safely. Miracles do happen, and there will be many circumstances in your life where it will be worth to wait for that miracle, but the time when you fear for your safety is not a good time to be waiting for that miracle. Being positive and faithful is great, but not in situations when you are in distress and fear for your own safety, or those you love. If you are worried about leaving and feel terrible when you think of what you are leaving behind, just remember, it could be far worse if you decide to stay.